Facing the Fear

Running scares me. I fear it. I'm trying to think of the reasons why. I guess here are a few.

*It's hard. To me, long distance running is the epitome of fitness. It takes training, endurance, strength..all the things I think of when I think "athlete".

*It's not fun to me. I mean, I love the feeling when I'm done. I love the feeling of being able to run, but honestly I don't wake up happy to go for a run. I do it because I have to and I know I want to run long distances. I am hoping that I turn in to a real runner. You know the type that just leisurely goes for 18 mile runs on Saturdays because they love it. Yeah. Maybe. One day.

*I'm doing this all by myself and must be self-motivated to walk out the door. Unlike Title Boxing there is no set schedule, no instructor, no friends to go with me, no one rooting me on as I huff and puff through it.

*I'm not an athlete. Never have been. Running is for athletes only. Not clinically obese people. It's impossible for an obese person to run.

*I'm really not good at it. Well let me say, I'm not where I *think* I should be. I guess I *think* I should be able to walk out the door and be able to run 45 minutes each and every time. That's ridiculous. I know.

*I'm scared I CAN'T do it.  I'm scared I WON'T do it. 

So those are the reasons I am afraid of verbally expressing my desire to run a 1/2 marathon (and eventually a full marathon)  Just seems at this point pretty far fetched and out there.  I'm barely running a 5k at this point. 

All this negative talk. So unproductive. So let me switch this blog up on a positive note!

*I can run a 5k. Easy? Nope. But I can do it

*I can't wait to be able to say something like "oh today is my long run, 10 miles" and shock the hell outta folks.

*I want this.  I know it's hard but that's why err'body ain't doin it (busting out my slang, get used to it)

*I've overcome a lot in this journey, this is just another thing for me to accomplish. I won't allow fear to set me back!

So I need to have a "come to Jesus" with myself and realize the following:

*There will be days I don't feel like it. Do it anyway. Get it done!

*The winter is coming. Real runners run in non-perfect conditions all the time.

*All runs won't be good runs. Doing something is more than doing nothing. 

* JUST DO IT. STOP DREAMING ABOUT IT

So these are just a lot of my thoughts right now.  I just want to do this and prove to myself that I'm capable of things I set my mind to.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

Me and Dance Central

After graduating college I found myself ballooning to over 300 lbs.  Eating out, huge portions, and no exercise packed on the pounds very quickly.  I couldn't take the state I was in any longer and started to work out.

 I began my journey working out at the gym consistently.  Pretty much only using the elliptical for 60-90 minutes, 6 days a week.  I didn't love it, but it was working.  About 50lbs down, I got BORED. STIFF. I completely stopped going. 

At about 250lbs I was still eating too much, not working out, and some of the weight crept back on.   I had to break the cycle before I became a typical yo-yo dieter.  Last December, I had enough and decided I really need to work on a lifestyle change. Something I could maintain for the rest of my life. 

I researched eating clean. CHECK. Calorie counting. CHECK. Going to kickboxing classes. CHECK. But I knew I  was still missing something. I had to figure out what it was before I got bored again and packed on the pounds.  I needed to find a workout that wasn't a workout. That was just FUN.

You mean to tell me exercise can be fun? Stop. No. Really. I found out it can be!

So my latest and greatest fitness purchase .....




courtesy of xbox.com



--My name is Alicia, and I am addicted to buying fitness gadgets!--



The XBox Kinect along with Dance Central! I love this thing.  Dance Central is so much fun,  you totally forget that you are working out. BRING ON THE SWEAT BABY! 

What I love about Dance Central and what sets it apart from other games like Just Dance is the genre of music. I'm not very eclectic when it comes to music and I like what I like. And gosh darn there are SO MANY songs on this game that I love. Poison by BBD, Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, Rumpshaker by Rex N Effect. I can dance for hours. Seriously. Hours.

I also like the fact that the dances aren't corny. I mean you could really go out and party and use these dances without looking...dumb.  I for one plan on busting moves at whatever event involves a DJ and a dance floor. This game has turned me into a real life Laurieann (BOOM BOOM KAT)

Having Xbox live with it allows me to download new songs so that I'm  never bored with the same old songs (and ya know I get bored easily)

Sometimes you just want to have fun with your workout. Not feel tortured. This is truly the greatest workout ever.  I've been playing Dance Central for about 5 months now and have dropped MAJOR pounds and inches off my frame.   I definitely think DC is what I needed to help me break through my danger zone (210ish lbs) and finally get the 200's behind me (120 lbs down so far!)!

Game night at my house was THE BEST.  I was a little nervous about dancing in front of my friends (insecurity reasons) but all that went out the window once the night got started.  We were so wrapped up in dancing and winning, no one was even paying attention to me.

We tried to stop dancing and play a board game, but we just couldn't concentrate. Back to dancing we went.  It got so bad that we had to break out in teams. 10 people playing DC using a 32" screen TV is not recommended. It was a mess and I was afraid I would get elbowed a couple of times. 

We were all addicted and a few of my friends went out and bought Xbox's and DC the very next week. BRING ON THE COMPETITION!

As you can tell, I'm super excited about adding DC to my fitness routine.  I've finally found a winter work-out that I know I will stick to.  Can't wait until DC2 comes out. Can I love it any more?



In the beginning....

And I promise to try and keep this short and sweet.

I was born on an unseasonably cold first day of spring Too far back? *shrugs* Sorry.

I've been overweight my entire life. I don't know anything different and actually any weight smaller than my current weight is pretty much uncharted territory. Of course being overweight, I hardly stepped on a scale but there are a few times I remember being forced to.

Summer before middle school - 190ish

8th grade physical - 213

Freshman gym class - 220

Summer before college - 210ish (and this was after losing 40 lbs in my attempt to be normal before school started)

After college - 311 (Freshmen 15?...How about 100?)

2006 - over 300 lbs

At 27 years old I weighed over 300 lbs and it was depressing, so I decided to finally do something about it.



Current
















How did I do it? My process changed so much, so I'll just tell you what I'm doing now and the ONLY way that works! Eating Clean (non-processed food), Calorie Counting, and Exercise.

Yes, that's it! I use the Sparkpeople app on my phone to count calories. This app is INCREDIBLE and I highly suggest it and the best part is it is FREE. All you have to do is register for a page (I'm ACCT1908, look me up!) and go from there.

For exercise, I take boxing classes about 4 days a week, and I also play Dance Central on Xbox Kinect.

As my fitness level changes, I'm always trying to find ways to challenge myself and the thing that keeps coming up is RUNNING! Oh how I want to be a runner.

This year I have participated in several 5ks, yet still haven't fell in love. But that won't stop me. I have decided that I want to train to run a half-marathon (13.1 miles)

A lofty goal for a non-runner... person that only runs on race days...a person that dreads running...a person that will need to squeeze in time to train. YES ME! I will run a half-marathon. Soon.

So follow me as I train for that, and try to kick these last 25-40 lbs (I don't know how much really)in the *bleep*

I Suffer From Body Dysmorphia

The crazy thing about it is I've always had it. At 300 lbs I thought I looked like I did when I was 200lbs and here at 190lbs I feel like I look like I did when I was 270lbs. It's a strange thing.

Yesterday I ran my 4th 5k of the year and at my best time 37:02. For me, that is HUGE because I don't run regularly at all. When I finished, of course I was super proud of myself and felt strong. BUT, my sister took a picture of me and the day went down from there.

Disgusted may be too big of a word to use, so I'll say disappointed. Let me dissect what I'm disappointed about.

My arms - Didn't realize they were this big. Hate them. And yes, I recognize they were bigger, but I'm like what weight must I be before they are TONED and RIGHT. UGH.

My lower body - I feel like I'm so disproportionate. My upper body (face to waist) is pretty small. But THEN from the hips down, I'm huge. UGH. I like dresses but never wear them because I hate my legs. And no, I don't want to wear long one's. And if I do wear a dress, it has to be A-line. Nothing clinging to these curves. I bought a dress for a  wedding Saturday. I took that sucker back, bought a bigger size. Still don't like it.

For those of us that have never been thin we have this visual of what we think xxx lbs would look like on us. Or size xx looks like. My visuals have been so off base it's ridiculous. I thought at 194lbs I would look like a plus size model (lol) They are big (I guess),but TIGHT.



I looked up the symptoms of body dysmorphia and I suffer from the following:



*Preoccupation with physical appearance



*Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly



*Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether (in my case the former, I am CONSTANTLY in the mirror. I've had 2 trainers at the gym catch me doing this. I think they think I'm arrogant, but it's SO not that!)



*Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way



*The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others (this bums me out, I don't like that and definitely think it is a character flaw of mine, no man wants to have to keep telling me I'm beautiful...i digress)



*Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking (I think I take either approaches. I either have this I don't care what I look like attitude or this I have to look stunning and buy new clothes, accessories, shoes constantly. Like I don't have balance. It's either all or nothing)



*Extreme self-consciousness



*Refusal to appear in pictures (hates to be tagged in pictures on FB unless I pre-approve)



*Comparison of your appearance with that of others (OMG, a biggie!)



*Avoidance of social situations (HELLO! I'm young and single and NEVER go anywhere)



http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559/DSECTION=symptoms


I feel like nobody understands this. They say things like "well you've lose 100lbs, you aren't proud" or I had a friend who is 300+ say "Oh if I was your size, I'd be good"

I'm like, no you won't! I thought the same thing. I thought when I reached Onederland I'd be good. WRONG. It doesn't work like that because in your head you have a visual of what 199 looks like on you (especially if you've never been there as an adult) If it doesn't meet your visual, you keep going.

I really, really, really wish I could bask in the success so far. But I just ...can't. I'm not done.
This is really unhealthy thinking. I know it. I need to pray about self-love, self-appreciation and confidence. I need to be thankful for health and strength and really move pass this superficial thinking. I know.

This blog is not "please comment on how wonderful, and pretty, and inspirational" I am type of post. I'm really not putting this on here for that (though I am THANKFUL for the encouragement) I don't want you to think I'm fishing for kudos.

I just wanted to let you all know that though I'm doing great in the weight loss part of the journey, I'm really not doing that well in getting my mind right. Sure I have my days when I'm like..HECK YES, I look hot! But those are few and far between.

It is so super important to learn that this journey is more than about what you look like, who will like you, getting/receiving compliments from others. getting more attention from men. In the end, it's about LOVING YOURSELF! You have to or you still won't be happy, no matter how much you weigh. Your life is your own and it's short. We have to ENJOY it NOW! Not when we reach this magical # on the scale. Be confident, be proud, be healthy and be thankful. Someone wishes they could do what you are doing. Or have the success that you've had.

Well anywho that was a speech to self, but maybe you get it too. I've got to figure this out. I was thinking of posting blogs of lists ( I really hate writing blogs, but I can make a list lol) For example, 10 things I can do, that I couldn't do. 10 things I wish I could do that I can't right now.... Maybe that will help me put this in perspective and stop focusing on being obsessed with my body.


Welp..this was a long one. I knew it would be but had to get it off my chest.

Do you share your journey with those around you?

I don't.  For the most part I am a private person. I don't tell many people around me about my journey. If they ask, I indulge. If they are in the struggle, I indulge. A little more.  There are only a couple people that I confide in about my weight loss.

I was at work and I get an IM from a friend that says "hey are you on SPARK?". WHAT!?!?!

I then ask them why do they ask. She tells me that someone from her job was showing her my page.

HUHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. THEY FOUND ME. MY FRIENDS HAVE FOUND OUT ABOUT MY SECRET SPARK LIFE.

I just don't know how I feel about people I KNOW knowing my struggles, how much I eat, how much I weigh, how much I used to weigh, etc. Yes, people know that I'm losing weight, but not the actual #'s. Makes me uneasy. I feel as if every time they see me they will be thinking..DANG she looks/does not look XXX lbs.
I'm a blogger, and yes I blog about pretty much everything. For some reason I feel comfortable with sharing these thoughts with the universe but NOT with my "real" friends/family. Being an anonymous blogger makes me a little bolder in what I share.

My Pastor talks a lot about sharing your testimony. YES, I do believe *one day* I will share my story to those around me. Just today I feel uneasy about it. I feel like I'm still struggling too much to do that and I can't deal with the added pressure from people around me holding me accountable (i.e watching everything I put in my mouth) or asking 50 million questions about clean eating and calorie counting. 

 On one hand I like the "privacy" of blogging only to people that don't know me personally, but on the other hand I would love to share my blog with my friends and family. You never know who will be encouraged by it. 
As you can see , I'm going back and forth with myself on this.

Is it just me? Am I being ridiculous? Do you share your story blogs with real friends?

Tracking...Eating Clean...30 days later....

God is good and I prayed for strength in this aspect of my life. He's all over this one.


I cannot EVEN belive I have tracked my food this long. I've been on Sparks for 3 years now and always start on a Monday...quit on the weekend.

I was very consistent with tracking my workouts. That positive...can't knock a good workout. But my food? NO WAY!

I truly believed I could lose this weight w/o changing the way I ate. Yes I read the articles about the importance of nutrition. But I was 100lbs down and NEVER tracked so I (knew) I could do it. WRONG.

2011 - KEEP IT SIMPLE

This is the theme for me this year. No more tricks, no more gimmicks. That crap just doesn't work.


Tricks and gimmicks? For me it was not eating right, but working out 90minutes a day in cardio. Yes, it helps me lose ...only for a while. But what then happens is I get burned out.

This is my 3rd year on SP and still over 200lbs! I have yet to make it to Onederland. Something has got to change.
I've resisted changing my eating habits as long as I could and its not working.

For the past month I have been tracking my calories and being completely (I think) honest about what I'm consuming. I'm averaging 1,750 calories a day.

And I swear this is the BEST eating I've EVER done. That's scary huh???

My goals this year:

Track daily

Weekly calories average: 1,500

Exercise: 150 cardio minutes, ST 2x's a week

Run a 5k (seriously)



Thats it! There's the plan.

SN: No more fast food, 90% clean eating (some things I can't control)