Tired.....

And for me this is not about running. I’m tired of the journey right now. I’m half-assing it and it’s simply because I’m tired of obsessing, tired of starting over, tired of the fact that 5 years later I’m STILL not at goal weight. I’m hoping this will pass soon. But I’m not done. So I will keep going….

I decided that I was doing my best (work-out wise) when I was doing the 1k challenge. So I'm going to start that again. Taking Friday - Sunday off is no good. I also add another streak.  I will ask myself daily "Would you say you ate well (portion control, freggies, conscience eating).  I  need to get back on track. Today is day #2.

As far as running goes. I need to START. I am only going to run 1 mile. That's it. I put too much pressure on myself to do more when I can't even get out the door.

So again, I will keep going.

Fat Girl Ways

GET THEE BEHIND ME! My Gawd.... 

I worked from home yesterday so no Title boxing.  Well, I could have went. Heck there is one right around the corner but I don't like it and the one I love is 25 minutes from my house. EXCUSE #1.  So I didn't work out yesterday and I have no excuse for that. So there is no #2.

My eating was actually good though. I had the same turkey sausage breakfast as if I was going to work. For lunch I had rotisserie chicken, baked fries, and broccoli. Let's back up and talk about these fries.

I LOVE FRIES. I mean love them to pieces. I don't ever fry them at home. The problem is portion control.  One serving of fries is 3 oz (120 calories) Have you ever weighed 3 oz of fries. Its about the amount you would get in elementary school, served to you on a lunch plate. Not a lot at all. The fat girl in me cooked 2 servings. Now...that's better. O_o

I did a little experiment. I only put half (one serving) on my plate. Well all be damn. It was actually enough.  Oh but ya know I'm not wasting food so I did end up eating the other serving. But I still learned my lesson. Stop fixing 2 servings. One is enough. Ok. Got it.

So all was well with eating..until....dinner. J. Alexanders. YUMMY!  Since I wasn't buying I ordered a whole bunch of food. LOL.

I had the chicken pasta soup (which was filling in itself) Ribeye and loaded mashed potatoes (I know that had to be 6 servings of potatoes, I ate half of my food) and chocolate cake and ice cream (ate less than half and gave it away).

I ate myself into an oblivion. The food was super rich. I could barely move. Now why would I eat that much? *shrug* I don't know.

So yeah. These fat girl ways are so old. I'm over it. But I can't lie, that food was AMAZING :-)

The Kid is Back?????

After coming off of several (2) crushing runs, I finally got out again.  Yes, I had a whole week off from running and toying with the idea of going down to 2 days a week (Fridays & Sundays) in order to squeeze in an extra day of Title Boxing.

I just can't explain enough the mental challenge running is for me. Much greater than the physical. I have got to get through this barrier. I have got to run, no excuses.

So what excuse did I come up with last week? None really. I just didn't feel like it.  That may be one of the worse excuses though. FEEL LIKE IT? WTH? There is a lot of things I don't FEEL like doing, but I do them because I have to or because that's the goal I set for myself. S

Anywho.

Yesterday my sister and I decided we would run together. Now there are pros and cons to workout buddies.

Pros
Able to socialize
Someone else is depending on you
Encouragement/Motivation

Cons
You are on someone else's time
Someone else is depending on you
Different fitness levels


Thankfully my sister and I run the same pace HOWEVER (and I love my sister) her time schedule is ridiculous.  10 mins means an hour and I'm not kidding.  If she says she'll be there at 7 you should be expecting her around 9. That bad.

Yesterday was no exception (but it wasn't her fault) so I was irritated a little (TOM kickin in too) and wanted to just say forget.  But we went.

She is also doing B210K but is on week 1. I know she could've done Week 3 with me, but heck I'm not confident I can. So we did Week 1 that consists of  four 10 minute run intervals. 

It was nice! Our pace was such we could hold a conversation during the entire run. We took on hills, loose attack dogs, a random mans comment saying "yall don't need to lose no weight" O_o  *begins to run a bit faster*

But it was so much fun! LOL  Nothing better than running in the city.  It's such a peculiar thing  to do unlike the suburbs where you can always find someone out running.  So we were definitely on an adrenaline rush.

I didn't run the RunKeeper app so I'm not sure how far we ran. I would say it took us a little less then an hour to complete the training.

I'm also seeing how important cross-training is while running.  Though I am not a consistent runner, I was able to hang in there and get it done. The hills weren't bad either. I think it's due to the boxing on the non-run days. My legs are getting pretty strong!

Oh I almost forgot. It was cold out. Well I guess the temperature was in the high 40's but I definitely needed my gloves on.  And it got dark during our last 15mins.  After daylight savings, I'm not sure we will be able to run together during the week anymore. *sad face*

I've got to push myself out the door Friday morning to run. It won't be as fun, but hey, it is what it is. 

Thanks for the support! :-)

Alicia

So what cha been up to?

Not running! That's what.  My last run was Sunday, and it was 2 miles. I'm getting in my slump. I feel it coming.  After 2 bad runs in a row, my confidence isn't there.  Thus, I haven't been back out. Oh and it's cold. I wake up to temps in the 30's. Excuses. Basically.

Yeah I talked a whole lotta smack to myself about how real runners run in sub par weather. But that's when the weather was terrific aside from a little sprinkle of rain here and there. But now...Oh I just want to stay under the covers.

Do I feel bad about it? No and yes.  Yes because I've dedicated this whole blog to my running adventures, yet I'm not running soooooooo..yeah. I feel like my blog is disappointing.

BUT, I still work out. Every day.  Title boxing kicks my a$$ STILL.  I've been going to a new trainer and he...is...TOUGH. But I love tough. I love to hurt.  I love the challenge.  He doesn't want us to do push-ups on our knees. EXCUSE ME? That's what I do. But this week I tried. *gasp* That's right. I simply tried. I can do 5! I'm also pretty stoked on the fact that I can pull up my body weight using my arms.  We do this thing where you put your feet under the bag, wrap your arms around the bag and pull yourself up. Sounds easy right? Well it's not! But I can do it! Nope, can't do the 15 he wants, but I can do about 8! I remember not being able to do that and HATING just sitting there watching everyone else effortlessly doing it.  Feels good to be part of the fit crew. :-)

What kind of sucks is his class is on Wednesdays. A run day. If I want to take his class, I would be running 3 days in a row (Fri, Sat, Sun). I don't know what to do.

Run because I said I would, or boxing that I LOVE! Hmmmm. Decisisons.

Also thought about getting my membership back to my gym at work. The advantage is I can workout during lunch and they have lots of weight machines(which I NEED). The disadvantage is I don't live close to my job.  I wouldn't be utilizing the gym on the weekends at all to use the treadmill for my run days. So basically I'm paying for a gym I would use only Mon-Thurs IF I go everyday I'm at work.

They do have a couple treadmills at the boxing gym...so I probably should save my money and just use that one.

I think I'm going to meet my November 1 goal of 185lbs. This morning I weighed in at 185.6. I need to stay focused this weekend and next and continue tracking my food.

That's about it!!!!
Have a great weekend!!

THEE WORST WEEK EVER!

The title is dramatic. But it was a pretty rough week fitness/nutrition wise. I know I'm SUPER behind on blogging so this is a quick recap on last week.

Last Monday I woke up with severely swollen eyes due to allergies. I worked from home and passed out on Benedryl.  Since I didn't run Sunday, I moved it to Monday evening. Thanks to my support system I went ahead and did it. And guess what!?! PERSONAL BEST. 4 miles non-stop in 51:08 (12:58 pace). I was SO happy about this run. I just kept going and was determined to do it.

Tuesday I did make it to boxing class but since I have been slacking on my tracking (hey that rhymed) I don't know what the heck I ate.

So the week went downhill from there. Sadly. Wednesday I went to the park to run.  There was so much going on soccer games, picnics, and even a wedding! Not that I'm making excuses, but I was seriously distracted and hoping my big butt wasn't in any of the wedding pictures. On top of that I ran for about 2 miles, the Runkeeper tells me I did 4 miles. UGH. Technology. So I began walking in order to pull my phone out of my fanny pack (which is difficult due to it being so small and my phone being so big).  And that was IT. Motivation was gone.  I checked out mentally and walked the rest of the day to finish the loop. So I would say I ran 2 miles, walked 1/2 a mile.

Thursday I didn't even go to Title Boxing. Why? I was looking fabulous and wanted to stay that way when I met my friends for dinner. We go out every Thursday and I'm always coming from Title in workout clothes. Being single out here is tough. I'm going to have to start looking decent when I'm out.  For dinner I had chicken strips and fries. Wasn't even good. So on top of not working out I had a crap load of fried food.  This can't happen every week, but I excused myself on this day and before I went to bed did 10mins of ab work so I wouldn't break my streak. (Day 94).

 I usually work from home on Fridays, but we had a meeting that I had to come to the office for. Of course there was a potluck afterwards. Good thing I'm not a fan of homemade foods and desserts so potlucks at work are not a weakness of mine. They had a chili cook-off ( I don't eat chili) so I brought my lunch instead.  It smelled good though, I will admit.  Being that I'm not used to being at work on Fridays my body was rebelling and motivation was ZERO. I took the afternoon off and met my friend for lunch. I was starving (no breakfast due to the meeting) so I ate my spaghetti I packed before leaving. THEN went to eat lunch. (fat huh?).  I wasn't really hungry, but craving (and thats all it was, was a desire, not a need) for chips and queso.  I think I ate my weight in chips. Felt bad afterwards. We went to the mall and the time we left was just in time for the 5pm boxing class (we were close) but I talked myself out of going. Sad.  And went home. I must've been pretty tired because I went right to bed.  I was sleep by 5:30ish and woke up at 9ish and STARVING again.  I really wanted to eat better but couldn't think of anything to eat. Guess what I decided? BBQ. Yes at 10pm I went and ordered a huge beef sandwich and fries. SIGH....
I come home to it and it was HORRIBLE. Cold fries, and the fattiest beef I have ever had in my life (even after I distinctly asked for lean beef) If the place wasn't so far from my house I would have taken it back.  The beef wasn't even chewable. YUCK. What a freakin waste of money and calories!
Oh and no workout! Yes I could've counted "mall-walking" but come on now. Heart rate wasn't even raised. STREAK BROKEN AFTER 94 DAYS. Aye....But it was done conscienencely. I was tired and full off nasty BBQ. I know I could've done 10 mins of ab work, but I didn't feel like it.

Saturday I had my family over to play Dance Central.  I cooked a huge pot of chicken alfredo with broccoli and wheat linguini (I tried to make it semi-nutritious. lol) But I again, ate my weight in pasta along with 2 red velvet cupcakes.  I'm hoping all of the dancing burned those calories though!

Sunday I was till exhausted but forced myself to get up and run. I knew already (mentally checked out) it wouldn't be a personal best, but I promised my friend I would go (thankful for sound support)  I ran 2 miles with a couple of walk breaks. My goal was 3 so I had to walk the last mile back home. The funny thing is this guy passed me up. He had on his little belt with 2 water bottles attached so I assumed it was a long run day for him.  He didn't look like he was going super fast at all, but he DUSTED me.  Not that I was intimidated, but my  mind told me to just STOP and watch him pass me. And that's exactly what I did. 
Eating wasn't great either. Leftover alfredo for breakfast (I bagged up the leftovers in one serving portions) and spaghetti for lunch (oh the pasta!) and then some other junk later that day.

SIGH.

I was scared to even get on the scale, but I did. I was prepared for 190lbs but I was 187.6. Still in a good place to meet my goal of 185 by 11/1!

Today I am starting over and prepared with breakfast, lunch, and healthy snacks. I WILL track and I WILL go to Title boxing tonight.

Thanks always for the love and support!
Alicia

I Suffer From Body Dysmorphia

The crazy thing about it is I've always had it. At 300 lbs I thought I looked like I did when I was 200lbs and here at 190lbs I feel like I look like I did when I was 270lbs. It's a strange thing.

Yesterday I ran my 4th 5k of the year and at my best time 37:02. For me, that is HUGE because I don't run regularly at all. When I finished, of course I was super proud of myself and felt strong. BUT, my sister took a picture of me and the day went down from there.

Disgusted may be too big of a word to use, so I'll say disappointed. Let me dissect what I'm disappointed about.

My arms - Didn't realize they were this big. Hate them. And yes, I recognize they were bigger, but I'm like what weight must I be before they are TONED and RIGHT. UGH.

My lower body - I feel like I'm so disproportionate. My upper body (face to waist) is pretty small. But THEN from the hips down, I'm huge. UGH. I like dresses but never wear them because I hate my legs. And no, I don't want to wear long one's. And if I do wear a dress, it has to be A-line. Nothing clinging to these curves. I bought a dress for a  wedding Saturday. I took that sucker back, bought a bigger size. Still don't like it.

For those of us that have never been thin we have this visual of what we think xxx lbs would look like on us. Or size xx looks like. My visuals have been so off base it's ridiculous. I thought at 194lbs I would look like a plus size model (lol) They are big (I guess),but TIGHT.



I looked up the symptoms of body dysmorphia and I suffer from the following:



*Preoccupation with physical appearance



*Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly



*Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether (in my case the former, I am CONSTANTLY in the mirror. I've had 2 trainers at the gym catch me doing this. I think they think I'm arrogant, but it's SO not that!)



*Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way



*The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others (this bums me out, I don't like that and definitely think it is a character flaw of mine, no man wants to have to keep telling me I'm beautiful...i digress)



*Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking (I think I take either approaches. I either have this I don't care what I look like attitude or this I have to look stunning and buy new clothes, accessories, shoes constantly. Like I don't have balance. It's either all or nothing)



*Extreme self-consciousness



*Refusal to appear in pictures (hates to be tagged in pictures on FB unless I pre-approve)



*Comparison of your appearance with that of others (OMG, a biggie!)



*Avoidance of social situations (HELLO! I'm young and single and NEVER go anywhere)



http://www.mayoclinic.com/health/body-dysmorphic-disorder/DS00559/DSECTION=symptoms


I feel like nobody understands this. They say things like "well you've lose 100lbs, you aren't proud" or I had a friend who is 300+ say "Oh if I was your size, I'd be good"

I'm like, no you won't! I thought the same thing. I thought when I reached Onederland I'd be good. WRONG. It doesn't work like that because in your head you have a visual of what 199 looks like on you (especially if you've never been there as an adult) If it doesn't meet your visual, you keep going.

I really, really, really wish I could bask in the success so far. But I just ...can't. I'm not done.
This is really unhealthy thinking. I know it. I need to pray about self-love, self-appreciation and confidence. I need to be thankful for health and strength and really move pass this superficial thinking. I know.

This blog is not "please comment on how wonderful, and pretty, and inspirational" I am type of post. I'm really not putting this on here for that (though I am THANKFUL for the encouragement) I don't want you to think I'm fishing for kudos.

I just wanted to let you all know that though I'm doing great in the weight loss part of the journey, I'm really not doing that well in getting my mind right. Sure I have my days when I'm like..HECK YES, I look hot! But those are few and far between.

It is so super important to learn that this journey is more than about what you look like, who will like you, getting/receiving compliments from others. getting more attention from men. In the end, it's about LOVING YOURSELF! You have to or you still won't be happy, no matter how much you weigh. Your life is your own and it's short. We have to ENJOY it NOW! Not when we reach this magical # on the scale. Be confident, be proud, be healthy and be thankful. Someone wishes they could do what you are doing. Or have the success that you've had.

Well anywho that was a speech to self, but maybe you get it too. I've got to figure this out. I was thinking of posting blogs of lists ( I really hate writing blogs, but I can make a list lol) For example, 10 things I can do, that I couldn't do. 10 things I wish I could do that I can't right now.... Maybe that will help me put this in perspective and stop focusing on being obsessed with my body.


Welp..this was a long one. I knew it would be but had to get it off my chest.

I Finally Got on the Scale :-(

Yikes! I've gained about 30lb!! EWWWWWW. I'm up to 243..and HATING IT. But can't dwell on it ..gotta do something now.


It's insane how easy it is to gain it all back. I refuse to get back to 300+lbs. NO SIR!

So here I am at 243 lbs. I'm committing my journey to Christ right now..he will give me my hearts desire