Friday, September 30, 2011

September Weigh-in/Measurements Results!


Weight: 198
High Waist: 32.5
Low Waist:  34
Hips: 45
Thigh: 25.5
Calf: 17.25
Upper arm: 12.5


Weight: 189
HW: 30.5
LW: 32
Hips: 44
Thigh: 25
Calf: 17
UA: 12

6.5 inches and 9lbs down this month!!

Nutrition Review: Started tracking my food again eating between 1300-1600 calories. A couple of days of 18k and oh OVERATE during the Labor day holiday (water weight had me seeing 200 on the scale!)
Started eating chicken for breakfast instead of turkey sausage so much and that has helped decrease my sodium intake.  Ate Edy's ice cream VERY often.  Not very clean, but so satisfying. Still need to lay off the salt when cooking.

Exercise Review: Slacked a whole lot on DC but started Bridge to 10k program and Title Boxing 3x's a week.  Still going strong on my streak.

Next months goals:

Weight - 184
1 inch gone from all places
Dance Central daily for at least 10 minutes

LET'S GO!!!!!!!!

Thursday, September 29, 2011

If only my head could catch up to my heart. Week 2 Day 2

Of course I kind of dreaded my run yesterday. Agonized over it a little bit at work but quickly tried to recover from it and THINK good thoughts.

I love to run.
This will be nice.
I can do it.
I'm a runner.

It helped a little I guess.  Like I always say, the hard part is getting out there. Once I'm out and find my groove, I'm fine!

Fanny pack on, I headed out my door. Back to my old route, left out of my subdivision. I like that route because it's a nice stretch of country. Only fields and roadkill (ok that part disgusts me) but the lack of housing, buildings, etc. is nice and allows me to think about God's awesomeness. Things you kind of overlook when you are driving 50 miles an hour and zoom passed it.

So training today consisted of a 15 minute run followed by 1 minute walk, 3x's.  I'd say the first 5-10 minutes of running is the hardest. After that, I'm in there and feeling good about it. 

I read on someones Spark blog that they like to run without music sometimes so they can pay attention to their breathing and how their body feels. Even though I had Nicki Minaj (Super Bass) blasting in my ear, I really tried to key in on these things. I noticed my breathing was ok. I'm guessing the slow pace (14mm) helped in that area.  I also noticed my calves burning a little. Hmmm, now that is different. It's usually my breathing that can't hang, not my legs.  Not sure why my legs were so heavy, but I decided new running shoes are a necessity and I am definitely going shopping Friday.  We shall see if that helps.

My route doesn't have any big hills, but nice inclines that I can totally feel.  When I'm on an incline I try to talk myself through it and push hard.  What comes up has to come down right? And when I am going down I take that time to gather my composure.

The second run was ok. I can't lie, I still look forward to my 1 minute walks though. It breaks the time up for me.  I was feeling the weight of my legs in the last run. The last 5 minutes sucked and was ready to be done.

So....I decided I LOVE the feeling of watching cars pass me as I run. Something about that drives me to keep pressing. I feel empowered a little bit. I remember a time I WISH I could be those people I see running while I'm driving in my car. When I wasn't active, I didn't pay attention to them (probably thought they were crazy) But when I decided I wanted to run, I was in complete awe of them (and a bit jealous).   I think I'm becoming that person.  I'm a runner!

Not to get beside myself, my prayer is that I hang in there. CONSISTENCY is what I'm striving for. The mileage will come if I'm consistent. I just have to push myself out the door.


Tuesday, September 27, 2011

The Five Stages of a Runner - Step #1

The Beginner: Stage One: Making the Break

Every beginning is precarious. There you are, perched on the edge of starting something entirely new, yet there are distractions, even criticisms, that cause detours and dead ends. You want to be more healthy and fit, but you may not realize how secure you've become in an inactive world. Each time you go out for a run you encounter a new side of yourself - one that must somehow be integrated into your daily life.

There is usually a struggle within and without. The old lifestyle is there and offers security. When the energy of "beginning" wears off, it's harder to motivate yourself to go out for that daily run. You'll face a lot of obstacles at first. It's all too easy to stop when the weather turns cold, when it rains or snows, or when you feel the aches and pains of starting. You haven't had to deal with these things before and the temptation to quit is strong.

Your running may also be threatening to your less active friends. Eventually you - the beginner - and your non-running friends work it out. The transition period, however, can be unstable and uncomfortable for both. If you falter, the old world - comfortable in many ways - is waiting for you to slip back in. If you're lucky enough to make new friends who share similar fitness goals, you'll probably find refuge in the "fit" world while you gain your "running security."

Social reinforcement makes it easier to establish the fitness habit. One good approach is to find a group that meets regularly. Or you can make a pact with a friend who drags you out on bad days and vice versa. Races and fun runs are great opportunities to meet people.

At times you may not progress as fast as you expected. We Americans are traditionally hyperactive and impatient. When we plant a seed, we not only want it to grow, we want it to become a tree by next week. We want results. When you start, you want to see physical and psychological benefits. But if you push too hard, you can tire yourself out and end up quitting in frustration.

The seed of exercise - if you don't crush it - will survive periods of moisture and drought. Just when it seems to be drying up, it will spring to life, rejuvenated, and propel you further down the road. Don't be discouraged, even if you've stopped. Tomorrow's another day. Many beginners stop and start again 10 or 15 times before they get the habit established. Beginners who don't put pressure on themselves seem to have an easier time staying with it. If you simply walk/jog 30-40 minutes every other day, you'll find yourself gently swept along in a pattern of relaxation and good feeling. Your workout starts to become a special time for you. As you make progress you find within yourself the strength and security to keep going. At first you're "just visiting" that special world when you go out for a run. But gradually you begin to change. You get used to the positive relaxed feeling. Your body starts cleaning itself up, establishing muscle tone, circulating blood and oxygen more vigorously. One day you find you're addicted, and the beginner becomes a jogger.

By Jeff Galloway

GOSH..If this here blurb doesn't hit home......I'm definitely in stage 1.

Sunday, September 25, 2011

Today's run....

Is nothing to even write about.  Woke up super stopped up and congested.  My sister said last night my mom would keep my niece so we could run together.  I was good with that but she called at 9am-ish. At that time I was sneezing and just trying to sleep.

Last night I went to my friends wedding and we danced ALL NIGHT.  My legs are so sore and I just wasn't feeling it.  I finally got up just to get my 10 mins in. 

I walked/ran 2 miles today. Nothing phenomenal.  Just needed to get it in.

Oh I did try my new headphones and my new fanny pack.  I love them both and so happy my hands are finally free of clutter.  And don't be mistaken, my fanny pack is hidden under my shirt. I'm still too fly for a REAL fanny pack (though Rhinna pulls it off very well!)

Hoping 2 days off of running will help me get in a good run Wednesday!  Have a great Sunday!

Saturday, September 24, 2011

10 min Challenge

This is pretty random, but I figured I'd better add it to my blog. I'm participating in Sparkpeople's 10 minute exercise challenge.

The purpose of the challenge is to get you on track of consistent exercise. I so love this idea! Many people (I know I've done it) take on these ginormous fitness goals way to early in their journey leading to BURN OUT!

For me, I would try and do 2 a days, 90 minutes of cardio 5-6x's a week.  That is WAY too much, especially because it made me super hungry and I hadn't changed my nutrition, thus I was only maintaining my weight, not losing.

Anywho, I've committed to 1,000 days (YES, 1k) of exercising at least 10 mins per day. I never have complete rest days, so when you hear me say rest, I'll probably be doing the minimum 10 mins. Stretching, light stroll, something "easy".

What's cool about this challenge is even though 1,000 days is over 2 years, who can't spare 10 freakin minutes?  Some days I really had to squeeze it in, but shoot, 10 mins is only about 4 songs on Dance Central (and yall know how I feel about DC, it's hard to stop. It's just that fun!)

There is an app called Habit Streak in the Android market that helps you keep up with your days. Every morning at 4am (you pick the time) I get a notification on my phone that asks:

Did you exercise for at least 10 mins yesterday?

All I do is check yes, and it tells me what day I'm on. COOL HUH??? 

Today is Day 74! I have done some type of workout 74 days in a row! Working my way up to 100 days! PARTY!!

I'll blog periodically about what day I'm on or if I had to break my streak to let you know how it's going.

Did I mention I love Sparkpeople?  Did I mention I love Dance Central? Did I mention I love my Android phone? Yes? Oh. ok. Just checking.

You should join me in the challenge!!! 

Friday, September 23, 2011

Freestyle Friday Run

I set out this morning to complete W2D2 of the training but somewhere after mile 1 my app FAILED.

For some reason I got a random itch to take a new route. That almost never happens so I went with it.
Instead of turning left out of my subdivision I took a right and to the right is A MAJOR HILL.  I just needed the change today I guess.  It's kind of good the hill is in the beginning of the run when I have the most energy so it wasn't horrible.

I decided to run to the Wal-Greens because SURELY that is 3 miles away. NOT. Only 2. Barely 2. Something about turning around takes some of my energy (this is dumb I know) because when I headed back I was tired.  Had to stop at an intersection and all my running momentum left me. 

I SO wanted to be able to come back and tell you I ran 4 miles today.  But I can't.  That's ok though. I ran a good 3 and ran/walked (mostly walked) the last mile. 

I have to keep reminding myself that I don't have a deadline. I'm going to take my time and enjoy the training.  I don't know why but I start to chase goals and attack them full force to the point of burn out. I don't want to do that with running. I would really like to become a life-long runner (as health permits).

Oh yeah, need to add that I changed the settings on runkeeper to only give me mile notifications and not time and pace. I did cheat a few times and check my pace and I'm averaging about a 13 min mile.  I also found a new music app to download some new songs (Music Download) I didn't have time to download anything new EXCEPT Beyonce - Party ft Andre 3000 & Kanye West. I will be getting a new playlist soon. YES!!

Title boxing was hard yesterday. I mean my legs were JELLO so I kind of figured today I wouldn't be 100% for my run (no. seriously. I'm not making excuses. LOL) 

My legs are definitely getting stronger and I'm seeing a muscle in my calf.  I have big (BIG) legs so anytime I can actually SEE something transforming there is pretty AWESOME! This is motivating me to keep going. I want nice long legs.

I'm proud of myself thus far for just going out there and running. It's still a challenge, but maybe challenges move me. I don't know.

Tomorrow is definitely a "rest" day.  A nice stroll in the park. That's it. I promise.  Though I am getting the urge to play Dance Central tonight!

Happy Friday!!!

Thursday, September 22, 2011

pace...Pace...PACE Yourself - Week 2 Day 1

Like I said last week, I decided not to run the RunKeeper app anymore. Although I do like the fact that I know how many miles I've run, I get too obsessed with trying to keep a certain pace. This early in the game, I need to focus on getting in those miles, not how fast I'm running. So I started thinking this to myself:

If I know I have 13 more miles to go, how fast would I be running?

Not fast at all! I slowed it down and it worked! I read somewhere on the Internet that your pace should allow you to hold a conversation with someone.  While running I was definitely able to do that so I knew I was doing ok.

This was a VERY good run. I was able to complete the entire training session and wasn't exhausted when I finished.  My legs were stiff and my stomach cramped up (whats this all about?!) but other than that, I was good!

Oh, my phone died in the last 10mins of my last run.  I  know I said before I didn't need music and would try to train without it, but I did and it's ok. I can't say it gets me through, but sometimes it takes my mind off the time.  Usually I would use a dead battery as an excuse to stop but I kept going. Again, gotta be ready to run in non-perfect conditions!

So yeah. Good run yesterday.  Am actually looking forward to Friday's run.  Wait. Did I just say that?  I did!!

I think I can do this!!!!

Sunday, September 18, 2011

I can't stand the rain.....Week 1 Day 3

But real runners run despite the conditions so I laced up early this morning and set out for day 3 of 10k training.

It wasn't raining too bad, just a light steady rain.  Now let me say this is HUGE. Black girls don't do rain and my hair wasn't happy about it even though I had a hood on. 

This was THEE best run so far.  I found my headphones so I had some music going (not sure if this helps or hinders). I like music, but I kind of like my own company more. I guess today I was able to have some of both. 

I decided not to use RunKeeper in the background. I was focusing too much on my pace.  Today I slowed it down and allowed myself to run at a pace that didn't make me out of breathe or tired.

It started coming down a bitter harder in the middle of my run, but it's funny that I couldn't tell really.  Hood on and focused, I kept going.

I'm still very nervous about this. I just hope I can hang in there when the weather isn't the best.  Ouch! thinking about those early mornings when it's cold and the bed is warm. Lord help me.

Friday, September 16, 2011

Bridge to 10k Program - Week 1 Day 1

courtesy of

The bridge to 10k program is designed for C25k graduates (ME!) and gently adds more running to the intervals.

Week 1 
5 min warm-up
10 min run
1 min walk
Repeat run/walk 4 times
5 min cool-down

courtesy of

When I saw this I thought, 10 minutes isn't too bad BUT 4 intervals with only 1 minute walking in between....YIKES

I fully intended to get up and meet my friend at the trail around the corner. I couldn't sleep thinking about my run. Worrying. Scared. Nervous. Anxious.

I was up at 4 am and we weren't suppose to meet until 7am.  So I tossed and turned and dozed off until 8am! UGH.  I  began  talking myself out of starting today and thinking I'll just start tomorrow. It's a kind of cold outside, a little rainy, I'm sleepy. Yeah. Excuses.

But I knew I had to face my fear of getting out there and just go. Since I'm working from home today I decided I will go over lunch.

In order to get my butt moving I got up and put my workout clothes on and shoes. I think this helped me get my mind in the game.  So there. When I start feeling whishy-washy about going out, I'll just put my clothes on anyway.

I couldn't find my headphones, but I kind of sort of think I run better without music. During all of my 5k's I've never had music and it wasn't bad at all. It allowed me to think and meditate. 

Finally about 11:30ish I set out for my first run.  I skipped the warm-up.  The first 10 min run wasn't bad at all.  My pace was a little under a 12 minute mile.  Then the walk. 

Wow. 1 minute walk isn't a lot at all.  Just enough to catch your breathe and relax some.  Second run was just ok.  I think I was able to do about 8 minutes before I started walking again.  So that gave me a 3 minute walking interval.

The third run started off really great. I guess that's when I hit my second wind or maybe it was mentally knowing I was halfway there and only had one run left.  My pace slowed down a lot at this point. Maybe 12 and a half minute mile.  I was able to run about 9 minutes of this run.  Then I took another 3 minute walk interval.

I started off running the last 10mins, but I mentally checked out. I was tired.  I know it was mental because I don't think I was tired physically, just mentally.  I ran for about 2 minutes and decided I would walk the rest of the way back home.

During the run I felt my stomach cramp up. This happened to me right after my 5k last Sunday too. I wonder if it has to do with being hydrated. Today I ate breakfast before the run, but last Sunday I ran on an empty stomach and had a banana right after. WAIT. I had a banana this morning too. Hmmm. Wonder if they are causing my stomach issues. *shrugs* Not a good feeling though.

I am not disappointed in myself that I couldn't run all the intervals today.  I am accepting where I am and praying that I progress. The only way to get better is to keep going and if that means giving myself longer walking breaks, so be it! I don't want to burn out. I didn't want to force it and have a bad run. When I do that, I'm slow to get back out there dreading another bad run.  I am PROUD of myself for starting!

Even though you are suppose to do this 3x's a week (non-consecutively) I am going to do it again in the morning. I decided I will do  W1D1 (week one day one) as long as it takes me to get comfortable with it. I am in no rush. 
I really need to figure out a schedule to work this program. It's hard for me to give up Title since I love going so much. 

I'll figure it out.  So there it is, day #1. COMPLETE!!

Facing the Fear

Running scares me. I fear it. I'm trying to think of the reasons why. I guess here are a few.

*It's hard. To me, long distance running is the epitome of fitness. It takes training, endurance, strength..all the things I think of when I think "athlete".

*It's not fun to me. I mean, I love the feeling when I'm done. I love the feeling of being able to run, but honestly I don't wake up happy to go for a run. I do it because I have to and I know I want to run long distances. I am hoping that I turn in to a real runner. You know the type that just leisurely goes for 18 mile runs on Saturdays because they love it. Yeah. Maybe. One day.

*I'm doing this all by myself and must be self-motivated to walk out the door. Unlike Title Boxing there is no set schedule, no instructor, no friends to go with me, no one rooting me on as I huff and puff through it.

*I'm not an athlete. Never have been. Running is for athletes only. Not clinically obese people. It's impossible for an obese person to run.

*I'm really not good at it. Well let me say, I'm not where I *think* I should be. I guess I *think* I should be able to walk out the door and be able to run 45 minutes each and every time. That's ridiculous. I know.

*I'm scared I CAN'T do it.  I'm scared I WON'T do it. 

So those are the reasons I am afraid of verbally expressing my desire to run a 1/2 marathon (and eventually a full marathon)  Just seems at this point pretty far fetched and out there.  I'm barely running a 5k at this point. 

All this negative talk. So unproductive. So let me switch this blog up on a positive note!

*I can run a 5k. Easy? Nope. But I can do it

*I can't wait to be able to say something like "oh today is my long run, 10 miles" and shock the hell outta folks.

*I want this.  I know it's hard but that's why err'body ain't doin it (busting out my slang, get used to it)

*I've overcome a lot in this journey, this is just another thing for me to accomplish. I won't allow fear to set me back!

So I need to have a "come to Jesus" with myself and realize the following:

*There will be days I don't feel like it. Do it anyway. Get it done!

*The winter is coming. Real runners run in non-perfect conditions all the time.

*All runs won't be good runs. Doing something is more than doing nothing. 


So these are just a lot of my thoughts right now.  I just want to do this and prove to myself that I'm capable of things I set my mind to.

FEAR - False Evidence Appearing Real

Thursday, September 15, 2011

Me and Dance Central

After graduating college I found myself ballooning to over 300 lbs.  Eating out, huge portions, and no exercise packed on the pounds very quickly.  I couldn't take the state I was in any longer and started to work out.

 I began my journey working out at the gym consistently.  Pretty much only using the elliptical for 60-90 minutes, 6 days a week.  I didn't love it, but it was working.  About 50lbs down, I got BORED. STIFF. I completely stopped going. 

At about 250lbs I was still eating too much, not working out, and some of the weight crept back on.   I had to break the cycle before I became a typical yo-yo dieter.  Last December, I had enough and decided I really need to work on a lifestyle change. Something I could maintain for the rest of my life. 

I researched eating clean. CHECK. Calorie counting. CHECK. Going to kickboxing classes. CHECK. But I knew I  was still missing something. I had to figure out what it was before I got bored again and packed on the pounds.  I needed to find a workout that wasn't a workout. That was just FUN.

You mean to tell me exercise can be fun? Stop. No. Really. I found out it can be!
So my latest and greatest fitness purchase .....

courtesy of

--My name is Alicia, and I am addicted to buying fitness gadgets!--

The XBox Kinect along with Dance Central! I love this thing.  Dance Central is so much fun,  you totally forget that you are working out. BRING ON THE SWEAT BABY! 

What I love about Dance Central and what sets it apart from other games like Just Dance is the genre of music. I'm not very eclectic when it comes to music and I like what I like. And gosh darn there are SO MANY songs on this game that I love. Poison by BBD, Push It by Salt-N-Pepa, Rumpshaker by Rex N Effect. I can dance for hours. Seriously. Hours.

I also like the fact that the dances aren't corny. I mean you could really go out and party and use these dances without looking...dumb.  I for one plan on busting moves at whatever event involves a DJ and a dance floor. This game has turned me into a real life Laurieann (BOOM BOOM KAT)
Having Xbox live with it allows me to download new songs so that I'm  never bored with the same old songs (and ya know I get bored easily)

Sometimes you just want to have fun with your workout. Not feel tortured. This is truly the greatest workout ever.  I've been playing Dance Central for about 5 months now and have dropped MAJOR pounds and inches off my frame.   I definitely think DC is what I needed to help me break through my danger zone (210ish lbs) and finally get the 200's behind me (120 lbs down so far!)!

Game night at my house was THE BEST.  I was a little nervous about dancing in front of my friends (insecurity reasons) but all that went out the window once the night got started.  We were so wrapped up in dancing and winning, no one was even paying attention to me.

We tried to stop dancing and play a board game, but we just couldn't concentrate. Back to dancing we went.  It got so bad that we had to break out in teams. 10 people playing DC using a 32" screen TV is not recommended. It was a mess and I was afraid I would get elbowed a couple of times. 

We were all addicted and a few of my friends went out and bought Xbox's and DC the very next week. BRING ON THE COMPETITION!

As you can tell, I'm super excited about adding DC to my fitness routine.  I've finally found a winter work-out that I know I will stick to.  Can't wait until DC2 comes out. Can I love it any more?

Wednesday, September 14, 2011

In the beginning....

And I promise to try and keep this short and sweet.

I was born on an unseasonably cold first day of spring Too far back? *shrugs* Sorry.

I've been overweight my entire life. I don't know anything different and actually any weight smaller than my current weight is pretty much uncharted territory. Of course being overweight, I hardly stepped on a scale but there are a few times I remember being forced to.

Summer before middle school - 190ish

8th grade physical - 213

Freshman gym class - 220

Summer before college - 210ish (and this was after losing 40 lbs in my attempt to be normal before school started)

After college - 311 (Freshmen 15?...How about 100?)

2006 - over 300 lbs

At 27 years old I weighed over 300 lbs and it was depressing, so I decided to finally do something about it.


How did I do it? My process changed so much, so I'll just tell you what I'm doing now and the ONLY way that works! Eating Clean (non-processed food), Calorie Counting, and Exercise.

Yes, that's it! I use the Sparkpeople app on my phone to count calories. This app is INCREDIBLE and I highly suggest it and the best part is it is FREE. All you have to do is register for a page (I'm ACCT1908, look me up!) and go from there.

For exercise, I take boxing classes about 4 days a week, and I also play Dance Central on Xbox Kinect.

As my fitness level changes, I'm always trying to find ways to challenge myself and the thing that keeps coming up is RUNNING! Oh how I want to be a runner.

This year I have participated in several 5ks, yet still haven't fell in love. But that won't stop me. I have decided that I want to train to run a half-marathon (13.1 miles)

A lofty goal for a non-runner... person that only runs on race days...a person that dreads running...a person that will need to squeeze in time to train. YES ME! I will run a half-marathon. Soon.

So follow me as I train for that, and try to kick these last 25-40 lbs (I don't know how much really)in the *bleep*

Monday, September 12, 2011

I Suffer From Body Dysmorphia

The crazy thing about it is I've always had it. At 300 lbs I thought I looked like I did when I was 200lbs and here at 190lbs I feel like I look like I did when I was 270lbs. It's a strange thing.

Yesterday I ran my 4th 5k of the year and at my best time 37:02. For me, that is HUGE because I don't run regularly at all. When I finished, of course I was super proud of myself and felt strong. BUT, my sister took a picture of me and the day went down from there.

Disgusted may be too big of a word to use, so I'll say disappointed. Let me dissect what I'm disappointed about.

My arms - Didn't realize they were this big. Hate them. And yes, I recognize they were bigger, but I'm like what weight must I be before they are TONED and RIGHT. UGH.

My lower body - I feel like I'm so disproportionate. My upper body (face to waist) is pretty small. But THEN from the hips down, I'm huge. UGH. I like dresses but never wear them because I hate my legs. And no, I don't want to wear long one's. And if I do wear a dress, it has to be A-line. Nothing clinging to these curves. I bought a dress for a  wedding Saturday. I took that sucker back, bought a bigger size. Still don't like it.

For those of us that have never been thin we have this visual of what we think xxx lbs would look like on us. Or size xx looks like. My visuals have been so off base it's ridiculous. I thought at 194lbs I would look like a plus size model (lol) They are big (I guess),but TIGHT.

I looked up the symptoms of body dysmorphia and I suffer from the following:

*Preoccupation with physical appearance

*Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly

*Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether (in my case the former, I am CONSTANTLY in the mirror. I've had 2 trainers at the gym catch me doing this. I think they think I'm arrogant, but it's SO not that!)

*Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way

*The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others (this bums me out, I don't like that and definitely think it is a character flaw of mine, no man wants to have to keep telling me I'm beautiful...i digress)

*Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking (I think I take either approaches. I either have this I don't care what I look like attitude or this I have to look stunning and buy new clothes, accessories, shoes constantly. Like I don't have balance. It's either all or nothing)

*Extreme self-consciousness

*Refusal to appear in pictures (hates to be tagged in pictures on FB unless I pre-approve)

*Comparison of your appearance with that of others (OMG, a biggie!)

*Avoidance of social situations (HELLO! I'm young and single and NEVER go anywhere)

I feel like nobody understands this. They say things like "well you've lose 100lbs, you aren't proud" or I had a friend who is 300+ say "Oh if I was your size, I'd be good"

I'm like, no you won't! I thought the same thing. I thought when I reached Onederland I'd be good. WRONG. It doesn't work like that because in your head you have a visual of what 199 looks like on you (especially if you've never been there as an adult) If it doesn't meet your visual, you keep going.

I really, really, really wish I could bask in the success so far. But I just ...can't. I'm not done.
This is really unhealthy thinking. I know it. I need to pray about self-love, self-appreciation and confidence. I need to be thankful for health and strength and really move pass this superficial thinking. I know.

This blog is not "please comment on how wonderful, and pretty, and inspirational" I am type of post. I'm really not putting this on here for that (though I am THANKFUL for the encouragement) I don't want you to think I'm fishing for kudos.

I just wanted to let you all know that though I'm doing great in the weight loss part of the journey, I'm really not doing that well in getting my mind right. Sure I have my days when I'm like..HECK YES, I look hot! But those are few and far between.

It is so super important to learn that this journey is more than about what you look like, who will like you, getting/receiving compliments from others. getting more attention from men. In the end, it's about LOVING YOURSELF! You have to or you still won't be happy, no matter how much you weigh. Your life is your own and it's short. We have to ENJOY it NOW! Not when we reach this magical # on the scale. Be confident, be proud, be healthy and be thankful. Someone wishes they could do what you are doing. Or have the success that you've had.

Well anywho that was a speech to self, but maybe you get it too. I've got to figure this out. I was thinking of posting blogs of lists ( I really hate writing blogs, but I can make a list lol) For example, 10 things I can do, that I couldn't do. 10 things I wish I could do that I can't right now.... Maybe that will help me put this in perspective and stop focusing on being obsessed with my body.

Welp..this was a long one. I knew it would be but had to get it off my chest.