Monday, September 12, 2011

I Suffer From Body Dysmorphia

The crazy thing about it is I've always had it. At 300 lbs I thought I looked like I did when I was 200lbs and here at 190lbs I feel like I look like I did when I was 270lbs. It's a strange thing.

Yesterday I ran my 4th 5k of the year and at my best time 37:02. For me, that is HUGE because I don't run regularly at all. When I finished, of course I was super proud of myself and felt strong. BUT, my sister took a picture of me and the day went down from there.

Disgusted may be too big of a word to use, so I'll say disappointed. Let me dissect what I'm disappointed about.

My arms - Didn't realize they were this big. Hate them. And yes, I recognize they were bigger, but I'm like what weight must I be before they are TONED and RIGHT. UGH.

My lower body - I feel like I'm so disproportionate. My upper body (face to waist) is pretty small. But THEN from the hips down, I'm huge. UGH. I like dresses but never wear them because I hate my legs. And no, I don't want to wear long one's. And if I do wear a dress, it has to be A-line. Nothing clinging to these curves. I bought a dress for a  wedding Saturday. I took that sucker back, bought a bigger size. Still don't like it.

For those of us that have never been thin we have this visual of what we think xxx lbs would look like on us. Or size xx looks like. My visuals have been so off base it's ridiculous. I thought at 194lbs I would look like a plus size model (lol) They are big (I guess),but TIGHT.

I looked up the symptoms of body dysmorphia and I suffer from the following:

*Preoccupation with physical appearance

*Strong belief that you have an abnormality or defect in your appearance that makes you ugly

*Frequent examination of yourself in the mirror or, conversely, avoidance of mirrors altogether (in my case the former, I am CONSTANTLY in the mirror. I've had 2 trainers at the gym catch me doing this. I think they think I'm arrogant, but it's SO not that!)

*Belief that others take special notice of your appearance in a negative way

*The need to seek reassurance about your appearance from others (this bums me out, I don't like that and definitely think it is a character flaw of mine, no man wants to have to keep telling me I'm beautiful...i digress)

*Excessive grooming, such as hair plucking (I think I take either approaches. I either have this I don't care what I look like attitude or this I have to look stunning and buy new clothes, accessories, shoes constantly. Like I don't have balance. It's either all or nothing)

*Extreme self-consciousness

*Refusal to appear in pictures (hates to be tagged in pictures on FB unless I pre-approve)

*Comparison of your appearance with that of others (OMG, a biggie!)

*Avoidance of social situations (HELLO! I'm young and single and NEVER go anywhere)

I feel like nobody understands this. They say things like "well you've lose 100lbs, you aren't proud" or I had a friend who is 300+ say "Oh if I was your size, I'd be good"

I'm like, no you won't! I thought the same thing. I thought when I reached Onederland I'd be good. WRONG. It doesn't work like that because in your head you have a visual of what 199 looks like on you (especially if you've never been there as an adult) If it doesn't meet your visual, you keep going.

I really, really, really wish I could bask in the success so far. But I just ...can't. I'm not done.
This is really unhealthy thinking. I know it. I need to pray about self-love, self-appreciation and confidence. I need to be thankful for health and strength and really move pass this superficial thinking. I know.

This blog is not "please comment on how wonderful, and pretty, and inspirational" I am type of post. I'm really not putting this on here for that (though I am THANKFUL for the encouragement) I don't want you to think I'm fishing for kudos.

I just wanted to let you all know that though I'm doing great in the weight loss part of the journey, I'm really not doing that well in getting my mind right. Sure I have my days when I'm like..HECK YES, I look hot! But those are few and far between.

It is so super important to learn that this journey is more than about what you look like, who will like you, getting/receiving compliments from others. getting more attention from men. In the end, it's about LOVING YOURSELF! You have to or you still won't be happy, no matter how much you weigh. Your life is your own and it's short. We have to ENJOY it NOW! Not when we reach this magical # on the scale. Be confident, be proud, be healthy and be thankful. Someone wishes they could do what you are doing. Or have the success that you've had.

Well anywho that was a speech to self, but maybe you get it too. I've got to figure this out. I was thinking of posting blogs of lists ( I really hate writing blogs, but I can make a list lol) For example, 10 things I can do, that I couldn't do. 10 things I wish I could do that I can't right now.... Maybe that will help me put this in perspective and stop focusing on being obsessed with my body.

Welp..this was a long one. I knew it would be but had to get it off my chest.

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